June 5 - Sunday - War

This date is approaching! A day where I have to 'pour out' the knowledge I learned in my entire degree life and with reinforced with 6 months of daily hard work onto an exam. The CFA level one exam. This exam passing rate is based on a curve where the CFA Institute only select around 30% of candidates to pass. I failed in my first attempt last year in December and I do not hope to repeat it this time (I am trying hard!). I hope that there will be more people taking it this time because that will increase my probability of passing it, of course it comes with the assumption that there are more unprepared candidates than those who prepared well! Haha!

In order to give myself less pressure handling this exam. I need to learn how to accept failure even if this is going to be my second attempt. If I learned that it is okay for me to fail it, there will be lesser anxiety when I am actually handling the exam in the exam hall. Because I know if I fail again, I will definitely retake the exam in December this year assuming my ambition holds strong!

But there are really too many reasons for me to think not to fail. Like how will people judge me, my motivation to take the third attempt will be lesser and my dream to be a CFA charter holder will be darker.

The truth is, this exam is really hard due to its wide coverage. It is not easy to remember and memorize materials of 6 text books! One of my professor actually told me that this CFA exam is actually competing based on memory capacity; who remembers the most will pass the exam. On the second thought, I cant agree more.

In my realistic career goal, I have set to achieve CFA Charter holder by the age of 27. Now I am 23 and I am sitting for the level one exam. I am going to sit the level two next year and level three the year after. (FYI, availability of level one is half a year once, level two and three once a year). So by right I will be able to pass all at the age of 25 (ideally). But I know that it is really too much for a person of my level. Basically, I am allowing ONE failed attempt on each level.

The reason of saying that is passing rate of level one is 30%, level two is another 30% and level three is 50%. Probability of a person passing all of them in their first attempt is 0.3 x 0.3 x 0.5 = 4.5%! Meaning out of a hundred people taking it, only 4 to 5 people will pass all three levels in their first attempt. FYI, only degree holders are eligible to take the exam. In another words, they are as smart as I am or not smarter. It seems that I have optimistically set my goal given such information. But I do know there are many people taken more than 3 to 4 attempts to get a level passed. This is o-m-g.

Like I said, I will be studying always. Really hope to achieve the title before I get married. There goes my life as a young adult! But somehow I feel satisfied each time I learned something, so it will keep me motivated.

Sad World Sad Life – I failed

At the moment when I was write this message, I failed to convince my best friend to listen to me. What she said was the stuff that we are discussing is not important and therefore I should not take it seriously. But why didn’t she say “okay, you go on, I will try to understand you because I know you treat it as of great importance”? If this sentence comes out from her mouth, it would have completed shut me off and I will feel “great, I have the best friend ever!”. The fact is not as calming as it seems, her desire to shut me off in the wrong way.

Why should I convince her in the first place, but not others who went into “war” with me during the debate? This is a result of different care I have allocated among my friends. The more care for someone, the more I hope from that person (realistically). But all I want is her to be by my side, is that to listen to me.

She said I should not treat it seriously, just a normal yum cha hangout. But the topic that we went into debate is about my career goal, my life. Yet I was being criticized by my close friends. I know they were trying to care for me, but they didn’t even understand my point. All they were saying is based on my judgment on my relationship e.g. how I choose not to face the fact (which is not true because they didn’t want to listen). My tolerance for them is almost capped because they could not even bother to listen. I went into debate with them because I care about them as my close friends, I was trying to tell them that the world is not that pessimistic as it seems because I have seen it in many of my friends. Be open-minded please! And don’t compare previous generation thinking and apply it to current generation, things changed!

So I went into debate with them, which is 1 on 6. I would not get into it if they were just normal friends because I don’t want to waste my time explaining stuff to someone who is not important to me. Among them, one is my best friend. She didn’t not get into the debate with us, but unfortunately, she did not get my point. I don’t care anymore if the rest did not want to listen because I am so used to it. But I do care if she is listening or not. I also could not denied the fact that she was being brainwashed by the group last night, telling her stuff that they even misinterpreted it. Therefore, I was trying to get to her today and telling her the importance of her listening to me. She asked me to stop the topic. I didn’t care if she thinks I am right or wrong, but I care if she would at least try to understand me.

I have been trying to let it go, but I could not. I feel very disturbed when I know that she chose to avoid that topic than to listen. I could not even concentrate on my studies! I could die if I care the group of debaters the same way as I do to her. Hopefully this blogging could help easing this pain, allowing me to focus on my studies. Because I truly have no other alternatives that I could think of.

P.s. I think that it is extremely childish to prove it to her that I am right few years later because it defeats the purpose of her believing in me, as a best friend.

Wait wait and wait…

Do you know what it takes to really wait? Perhaps it could be better described after I tell you my situation now.

Before that, Malaysia is really hot and humid. I wish that Malaysia could snow at least once a week.

First thing that I am waiting is my car. My brand new car, sponsored by my father, when is it going to arrive? Right now we are in the process of tendering car plate number, in which, according to my family tradition (or the Soh’s family and relatives’ tradition), we are hoping to get the number 1818. If the tender number is unsuccessful, then my father will have to wait for the next month to tender again. Yes, getting 1818 is very important (readers of my blog in Malaysia, please don’t tender this number in the future for fewer competition!). There is a price to pay to tender it, whoever bids a higher number wins the bet for the month. I would not tell how much my father allocates to get 1818 because it is p & c. My house has got 4 of 1818, many more with my relatives and my father’s company. According to my father, the Soh family believes that 1818 would bring them prosperity in business and wealth. It is good to have a positive belief.

As for my car, my father asks me to choose among Toyota Vios (known as Yaris in the US), Ford Fiesta and Mazda 2, or any car of the price range (RM 80,000). Mazda 2 is out of the picture because I don’t like it. Its exterior design and interior design suck (personal opinion, no offense) plus its performance can’t compete with either Vios or Fiesta. Initially I prefer Vios, but knowing the power of Fiesta and its technologically efficiency, I like Fiesta. Its interior and exterior are both nicer looking than Vios, plus it is a new design, new car worldwide, top car in Europe and 2^nd top in the US. Why wouldn’t I choose Fiesta over Vios?

Well, I don’t like the fact that Fiesta is a compact car. It is smaller than Vios internally plus the spare parts are harder to find (Ford is not that famous in Malaysia and it has bad market perception). Its quality is not guaranteed too; it also has a very low resale value. Resale value is very important in my family because we always sell our car after 4 – 7 years of driving and get another one. Low resale value car will not be appealing to my family. So, choosing Vios over Fiesta could better please my family. Also, my younger brother is definitely going to get Fiesta (my father is getting us car at the same time) so I would not want 2 of the same cars under the same roof.

I have went through so much to finally decide getting a Vios because I could prefer modify the car to make it look sportier and add speakers and also change the music player to a much cooler one. When I told my decision to my father last night, he asked me not to get Vios because it has old car design (since 2006) and he knows that youngsters like me would not prefer to have it nowadays and asked me to choose Fiesta. Wow, he was being so understanding, last night. Trust me before that he does not like me choosing Fiesta because of the reasons above). But again I don’t like a small car even though all of its specs triumphs Vios. We will then only decide which car I want when the results of tendering car plate number is out.

So, while two of these cars could not perfectly fit my desire, I sort to look for some other cars. The new Honda City is my dream car (for now) and the specs are all better than Vios plus it is much more spacious than Fiesta. It also has high resale value (as most Toyota and Honda cars have high resale value) therefore I am sure my father will be pleased. The only thing to worry is that it has exceeded the budget of RM 80,000. It costs, with insurance, lower spec is RM 85,000. I am ready to tell him that I am going to chip in RM 5,000 if he is willing to consider it. So I am still waiting…

Next thing that I am waiting is the result of Unifi (internet like Mediacom) for having coverage in my home area. My house has got no internet for almost a year. I tell you it does not feel good to transfer from a high internet speed home to a home where there is no internet coverage at all. Many inconveniences. Too bad I am living in a new area where the Unifi coverage is just right outside of the compound of my house. Sad. I have searched for solutions (e.g. like requesting to setup internet in my area, looking for Unifi sales man to see how long do I have to wait in order to get it), but no one firm question been answered. One sales man told me that my house will start to have coverage next month, while another told me in quarter 4 like November. The only thing that convinced me is that I have noticed 4 Unifi technicians came to my housing area to fix the port, they said “soon” will have coverage which they were not able to provide me the exact date. Another fact is that I do know that the fiber optics have all been fully installed, phew. Just have to wait……

I am waiting for some replies from the job I interviewed. Hopefully I will hear some good replies soon. I am also studying every day to sit for an important exam next month. I will just have to wait till I sit for it before start having fun. I am also waiting for my parents to give me pocket money. I am also waiting to use a car so that I could go somewhere close to hangout/catch up with friends (I am only able to use any car at night).

Waiting is not fun!

Memories

These days I am feeling really bored at home. In the day, I am doing nothing other than studying (not even applying for jobs!) and I have no interest in watching TV. My study desk faces the window which allows me to look at the clear blue sky and some of the uncut grass. As I look out, I started to think of things and events, particularly things that happened to me while I was studying in the US. I miss my host family a lot, (Amy I know you are reading this), we were always having fun with each other, like for instance playing card game, having dinner, or celebrating Christmas/New Year/Halloween/Saint Patrick’s Day/Valentine/Birthdays and believe me that we had never missed a single event together. These wonderful memories still lies deep within myself and I am afraid as time goes by, these memories will become a dream; a dream that I would always hope to have when I go to bed.

My journey in the US was 2.5 years. But it passed like a split second. Would it turn to a dream later in the future? Where you can’t remember all of the details but just a big picture of those events? This is what makes me regret for not writing down the details of past events in my dead blog.

I used to think that hanging out, travelling and catching a movie in the theater with friends etc. could be my great college memory as I grew up. But I think I am wrong. Yet they were fun at those moments, spending time with my host families creates more fun memories. I learn things while I was hanging out with them. This learning process is different because it comes with love; love from someone who wants you to live a happy life in the US. This love is not selfish because it provides only care without strings attached. A great love that is warm and noticeable enough to feel it.

Unfortunately, I am someone who does not know how to show my love even if I love them. At least it is not in a visible way.

Now, how long more should I wait to see them again? Going back for masters is not going to be an option now because of financial issues. Perhaps waiting for them to come to Malaysia would be my best bet. I will need to ensure that their accommodation here is fully arranged. Plus, they had hosted a few children and they will host more in the coming future and I am sure that their children will be more than willing to have a few shares in their accommodation. I could not imagine how happy are they going to be when the Stouts arrived to KL.

Oops, I did not even formally congratulate my host dad that he has got a new job with Principal Financial Group.

I will just wait for them. I also hope that they won’t come in the next month because I will not be able to support them financially. Haha…

Insomia - Random Thoughts

Cant sleep at this time. It is highly due to the fact that I am still hungry. I wanted to hang out with the basketball gang after the basketball intramural game earlier but I thought that they might not be interested in. We did a good job in the game by the way. We are the first runner up and we lost primarily due to height differences (after all, we, Asians are playing against Americans). But I did learn a lot in this game. =)

I had a couple of biscuits. Felt like cooking instant noodles but it is going to keep me full and therefore hard to sleep again.

I have purchased Nikon flash, SB-600. Cant wait for it to arrived at my place so that I can play around with it. It is going to be useful as I will be attending numerous parties because it is good for portraits!

Thinking about photography, I would like to thank the people who taught me the technical part of it. The name is Shu Yuan Goh, he is really good at photography and I have much to learn from him.

I miss home very much. I also miss Malaysian food, even more. Dilemma created as I need to look for a job here after graduation. OPT applied and fee of $340 paid. Even if I dont get a job, I want to make sure I use my time here well, to enjoy to the fullest without having to worry about education. (well, I might have to take CFA level 2 if I passed the level 1 in coming December; or retake level 1 if I am not successful in getting a "pass").

I miss Shin Yee and friends a lot. Felt like so many years that we have been apart. I really cant remember how long has it been the last time I went to cyber cafe to play DOTA with them. Man, I miss the moments.

Right now, in terms of my current classes at Drake, I am facing one of my toughest (but yet interesting) finance class at Drake. It teaches us how to evaluate equities, intrinsic value and stuff (I would like to skip the entire objectives, or else readers would find it boring) that I am interested in learning more. The class itself does not have any exams to be graded; 40% attendance, 60% assignment. Currently, I am working on the first assignment but I got stuck somewhere in the spreadsheet (fyi, more than 20 pages of spreadsheet) and I am not successful in locating the error. I felt so frustrated as I spent more than 5 hours doing it by comparing to my friends' spreadsheet. As a last resort, tomorrow I have to wake up earlier to discuss with professor about it.

Shin Yee and Chan Hung birthdays had just passed. It has been 3 years since my last celebration with them. Sad. Li Ching is now alone studying in Perth; and currently engaging into a relationship?

Thinking about a purchase, SB-600

I have been working part time consistently in the past year and I have not gotten myself anything yet (besides a DSLR, which is slightly lesser than my monthly income and thats like 8 months back). I feel like treating myself something, and right now I am looking into Nikon flash, SB-600, which is a very awesome flash given its price, since I like taking portraits, this flash would be beneficial for me and serve me well for years.

This is weird for me because the flash itself is not that expensive (a third of my monthly income) but I am not able to add it to cart like I used to. I feel more like saving. I hope this change in me is a positive one.

Also, I think in Drake University, I am the only malaysian student who bought DSLR with my own money. I am proud of it since I did not buy something that I want with parents' money. But often, I receive criticism that I had a lousy purchase. Nah, I don't mind since I am not into professional photography yet, a good entry one will do good for me. Plus, I am satisfied with the pictures I have taken (after taking so long in trying to make it right, but still imperfect), and I am still going to improve further after my studies.

Oct 15 2010

I am tired of studying for CFA, hopefully this feeling is just temporary, I am just one and the half months away from the actual exam date. Keep working... keep working...

Stuff that I learnt in my life including cant be straight at almost all situations. Facebook is no longer a personal thing to everyone. Every sentence you post will be evaluated and analyzed by someone else, and quickly, they will judge your personality based on the comment. Sigh... But soon, facebook will come out with a filter that could filter your friends (I am not sure what it is, the CEO of facebook just announcement it couple of days ago). I believe this feature will be utilized by most people and making facebook's home page less personal, more towards business. Sad thing.

Recently, there are some bad personalities in me that blinded from my consciousness. Some of it become so rigid and sometimes it does not make sense. I am trying to feel the change in myself and make necessary changes. A friend of mine actually talked me through it. I am just trying to be perfect but knowing that there is no perfect people.

And the US economy is not getting any better. Job market has been dying and never improved, particularly in the financial services area. Man, thats exactly the area I want to pursue in my career. Historically, US has such a strong financial market in the world, until the discovery of the use of derivatives. Chances of me staying here after graduation and securing a financial analyst position is so slim. Unless, I lie to myself that I actually like auditing and taxing positions, I could pursue that path since there are more job openings in that area.

On to the story of why I hate those people who actually judge others people relationship, it happens to my case. I happened to know someone judged my relationship with Mary Anne saying that I do not suit her (or she could find a better one), I was really mad. Ridiculously, I don't know the person very well, neither do him. Why would he want to do such a thing? To destroy my relationship? Other than that, I could not find any other reason why he want to say that to us, or either one of us. Hopefully these people could grow more mature and understand the damage they have done to us and vanish! If you like to judge, just judge among your little scums, and make sure your scums could keep their mouth shut so that it will not affect the people who are in a relationship.

Feelings and Thoughts as of April 23rd

It has been a long time since my last post. I apologize, I simply could not handle current workload.

I could say it is the busiest semester in my life. Dislike it!

During the start of the semester, I promised to devote my time to studies and work and spend some time with my girlfriend. Of all, I devoted the least time with my girlfriend and I felt bad, even now. Every time when she wanted to hangout, my studies/assignment obligation hold me back, thus I am excused. Over time, she felt lonely and voiced out her feelings, yet all I can do is to tell her to wait till this crazy semester is over. I am serious, my psychological mind holds me back and prevents me to hangout with her. To further illustrate, it was like "Ah, assignments due soon and I have not complete it yet, I am sorry, I could not go out with you because I am running out of time". I dislike it.

When I said this, suddenly I felt that I am being selfish. Yes when everyone will think so when they read this too. But honestly speaking, I have tried spending time with her when I am not occupied with assignments. I thought I did, when I think back, there isn't a time when I spend with her alone in this semester, even Spring break. Hence, I am selfish? I hope that she understands it.

3 finance and 2 accounting courses at the same time does not make me feel any better. On the other hand, the amount of hours I work in this semester is almost 20 hours per week. If only I could cut my spending, reduced my working hours, feeling less stressful, then probably my time would be spent with her. (maybe an excuse, anyway.)

Yes I am not actuarial science major and I do not need to take crazy exams that almost occupied all of students' time. But I can tell you that I am just an average person, not extremely smart yet not stupid. After subtracting the amount of work and assignments, I left only a little time to study. Worse still, I am a procrastinator. Only if I wish I am not, my results this semester would have been better.

In doing assignments, I always motivate myself to start early. Yes the materials needed is in front of me, worse still, I need laptop to do all of the assignments. I started early for most of my assignments, but facebook seemed to be my second home, I keep visiting it every few minutes. As it accumulated, I facebook more than the time of doing my assignments. Then when time is running out, stress motivated me to speed up on my assignments. So my question is, what is the difference between me and a procrastinator?

As for work, do you think I would choose to work while having a heaviest semester? All I want is to improve my communication skills with the Americans. All of my jobs are customer service based and I have to communicate with people at all times. I like my jobs now (Yes, 2 jobs on campus) because I really think I can learn to be a better person in the future. And I really want to be and I meant it, thats why I am so stressed out. A little incentive for the pay amount, too.

Not only that, I have rejected all invitations to play games, poker and beer activities. This makes me feel good in the sense that I chose to devote my time with my girlfriend instead of joining the activities. If I have the time to have fun with them, I have no reasons why I cant spend time with her.

In addition to that, we have rejected almost all of the host family activities. I am sorry Amy Stout if you ever read this. But I will keep my promise that when this semester is over, we will spend plenty of time together, including with Mary Anne.

Despite all of those, where do I spend time to have fun? The best activity that I do that I feel relax and happy is playing basketball every Thursday night for 2 hours. My passion for basketball is back and I am ready to retrain myself in order to make myself fit into the current team that is competing in the Midwest game. I am really excited about it.

Readers might get confused as they read because what I typed was just pure feelings so sentence structures are pretty random. I just want to put my mind onto a piece of paper.

So, what have a achieved in this semester? Spent less time with my girlfriend and made her mad; although all assignments done on time but results have not been good (not securing a solid A); did not really feel excited and happy when going to work due to the mind that keeps thinking about assignments; made host parents feel neglected. Man, I am a screwed. Hopefully my final grades will be good. At least, that covers all of the sacrifices I made up for to achieve good grades.

Busy Week, Ahead

Those classes in my final year is killing my time. I am trying to put all my time into studies but it does not seem enough to cover the syllabus. I guess I will need to speed up my reading ability.

Yesterday I was rushing for 2 reports and a homework assignment until 5 am at night. I did not procrastinate, really. I was busy preparing for my presentation on Monday, with that, my weekend was gone. The weekend was used on preparing report that due on Wednesday too.

If I do not get adequate of sleep in a day, I will not feel well in the day. I even missed a CM meeting scheduled at 7 am because I had a serious headache (I slept at 5 am and wanted to get up at 6:40 am). I went back to bed and slept till 9:30 to get ready for 10:00 class. Man, I skipped my breakfast, which is unusual. Thanks Mary Anne for preparing the breakfast and put it into a container for me. It is essential because I need food to survive for 5 classes in the day (both Monday and Wednesday).

I sent a mass email to my fellow co-workers to see if they could take my shift for the night from 8:00 pm to 12:30 am. Thankfully, some of them replied to take the extra hours and saved my life (so that when I get back home at 5 pm from classes I could have a nice sleep).

PS: This is only the second week of school. I have a long semester to go!

Working as Complex Manager for the First Time Alone

The job was really busy itself. I mean really busy in the sense that I could not even sit side by side with the Front Desk personnel. There are ton of things happening at that time when I was CMing. I ran around trying to get things done.

The Office Assistant at that time was Clair. She handled a complex locker situation really well and I honored her with a Pink Sheet (appraisal sheet) and have her signed it. She was so happy and gave me a hug. This was like my first time issuing a pink sheet to someone under my own will. She really did a good job. Well, I wanted to do the job instead of letting her doing it, but you know, the locker is located in the womens' bathroom. Maybe next generation when I have my sex changed, I will handle it myself.

I bought 2 burgers at the McD but I only managed to have one eaten. Oh man.