My grandma - the most wonderful person in my world.

Where should I start?

My grandma is the closest person to me, she had always been. When I was born, she was very sticky to me. Still remember the times when she fed me with rice when I was little, for every scoop of rice, she often test the heat of the food with her mouth (by putting the spoon into her mouth) and the fed only when the heat is appropriate. Even my mum didn't do that to me, lol. Forgot to mention that my grandma is a good cook too. She cooked everyday for home until she was not able to about a year or two back. I will never get bored of the dishes she cooked.

Then, when I entered primary school (elementary),  she walked me to school every day, through and flow. Still remember the times when she stopped walking home, then I stayed back and play basketball with the standard six' seniors, it was my first exposure to basketball. Then she walked to my school with a cane on her hand as she was worried as it was already well past noon and I'm still not home yet.

There was one occasion when I have done something wrong, and I looked myself into my parents room before she found out. She then asked me to open the door for her because she wanted to cane me nicely. Of course I was so terrified that I refused to open it. She threaten me by saying that if I don't open the door for her, she will cane me badly. Of course, like any other normal and honest and good kid, I went ahead and opened the door for her to welcome the cane. At first, I thought there should be some leniency applied because of my softened heart and perhaps my watery eyes. But no! She still caned me as if the bargain didn't exist!

On to another instance, I remember once I was behaving very very (unusually) naughty. I pushed my friend off the truck and he fell on the ground; he cried for help. His mum came out from the house and scolded me but my grandma jumped in into the conversation and apologize on my behalf. I was really afraid at the moment, I ran into my mother's room and just kept quiet. Then my mum tried to comfort me of course,  I wonder why, maybe I didn't tell her the story truthfully. After awhile, my grandma stormed into my mum's room and scolded (or caned me, I can't remember). I can't remember if my mum even helped me at that point in time.

There were many more stories but I could not remember very well......

Taking care from birth until present, she always ensure I never starve at any point in time. Even midnight when I could not sleep because I was starving. She was only cooked instant noodles for me, and warned me not to drink the soup as it was all msg.

In primary and secondary school life, we often watch Hong Kong drama together at night, from 7.00 pm to 10.30 pm on Astro. 4 different drama showed for that duration. I missed those times. When I entered college, life became busy and I started to hangout with different friends. I didn't watch drama with family then, and the time spent with my grandma getting lesser, and at the same time, her health began to deteriorate. All kinds of health sickness, to name a few, high blood pressure,  diabetes, kidney failure, digestion problem....  Then recently cancer, stroke (due to blood cot as she fell down about a month ago)... Back to the story, after college, I went to the US to further my studies in Drake University, Iowa. Evidently, time spent with family got even lesser.

In the US, she often asked my mum how I am doing. She never dared to call me because overseas rate was very expensive. Actually it was not, I'm not sure why. I told her about that but it just could not remove her old mindset (well, to start with, she was a full housewife after the age of sixteen, thus not generating income for the family and only know how to save). Nothing much happened with her when I was in the sates for 2.5 years.

When I came back to Malaysia for good, like everyone else, I was striving to get a good career. I don't watch drama anymore and I was always in my room doing my stuff. When work commenced, I don't even have time for family for most weekends. Then, maybe because I have a number of friends, I am out for birthday celebrations and occasionally catchup with friends. Never once I sit down having proper dinner with my grandma (we never practiced sitting down having dinner together because of crazy working hours we have), only have proper discussion with family when we dine out. Interaction with my grandma became worse...... Like no interaction at all except for asking her how is she doing everyday... How is she controlling her sugar level daily etc...

Recently, just last two weeks , she finally able to walk and talk with strength shown. Then I told her that I will bring her out last two Saturdays back as I have seen some improvement in her and she agreed. She always wanted to go to genting Highland for some small gambling activities. She was excited because I have never brought her there before, usually it was my family back then when she was healthier. But she said she had dialysis appointment made that Saturday, so had to postpone. On the Saturday where she supposed to do her dialysis process, she felt really sick. She said she has not been eating for 2 days and she was feeling really unwell. Me and my aunt tried to bring her to hospital but she refused to, even if I forced it through, still didn't happen. When my father come back later at night, he brought her to hospital as her situation worsened. I was taking nap so they didn't ask me to join them.

And because she often go to hospital, I thought it is just 'another' regular visit. So the next day, I stayed at home working all afternoon (attending virtual meetings with my boss etc). Later at night, father brought us to hospital to visit grandma. When we see her on her bed, there were many relatives there too, most of them crying. I was surprised by this visit and went ahead next to my grandma to see what's happening. She was striked by stroke, whole body paralyzed except for the leg. Could not stop the tears falling from my eyes when I witnessed such incident; someone so dear to me was in such condition.

Doctor said she maybe left a few days of life, asked us to spend more time with her. We asked grandma if she wants to go home, she replied yes by showing some movement with her legs...

For the next few days, except for work and sleep, I was always with her. Massaging her head every time I see her... She was responsive by moving her legs. And I am happy to see some improvement in her as days goes by. On Wednesday, she could open her eyes! Was so happy that night when I came home from work. Then I hold her hands and talked to her, asking her to give hope to herself.

The next morning (Thursday, Nov 2013), as usual, I visited her before I go to work in the morning. She was asleep and my aunt who took great care of her told me that she could even even move her arms and legs now! I was like 'yes!', she is definitely getting better, I went to work with happy mood. Same day, in the evening at 7 pm when I checked my phone, I received calls and texts. The text came in at 5.56pm, it was from my father, it said that my grandma passed away peacefully at 5.55pm... All I did was saying 'shit' in the office. For the next few seconds, I was stunned and mind totally blanked. It was totally unexpected, unpredictable in anyway makes sense. I kept my laptop in my bag and rushed to my car... I parked pretty far so made a few stops, mumbling 'ah ma' all the way to my car. I turned on emergency signals and used emergency lane all the way to my house as it was terribly jam after working hours, saw my brother on the way too (he said he took more than 2 hours to reach home from work while I used only 50 mins, and our work places are quite close to each other).

When I saw her lying down on the bed, I cried like I never did before, filled with regrets and my hands and legs went numb too... It hit me really bad as I was not ready for this at all after seeing all of the positive signs from her 'recovery'. Things were too late, no matter how I talked to her, she would no longer be able to respond in anyway...... Lesson here is always treasure the ones you love... Learning it really hard this time...

Have you ever thought of the time when you lost your dearest person?

Grandma's condition

Don't know how long my grandma is going to survive. Looking at the condition, it seems to me that very unlikely she will live past this year. Feeling hopeless to some extent. Really can do is to accompany her more. Full stop.

This happened for the first time: she could not recognize that she is in hospital... When she sees nearby, she was wondering why there are so many other races in the "house". She thought that she is home! What just happened? I'm blogging as I'm looking at her in the hospital by the way.

After a couple of test questions from me, I think she is just joking with me. Will just stop here and hopefully I'm right...

I think theway beside someone just pass away. People crying and many stood outside the wad. Whoever it is, hope that he/she is leaving this world happily. 

Time to change.

Just realized that I have not been as humble as compared to average people. Got to know it from friends. I think I lack of self awareness. This actually leads to another weakness of mine: lack of manners, particularly in communicating to colleagues as well as my small boss.

Today my small boss whacked me in my face by telling me off when they are giving me feedback on my corporate presentation to client this morning. It is due to some of the terms / words used not proper in some context. Lol, I didn't know it can be so damaging. Need to put this into my resolution already as it can be really penalizing in my career line.

On the other hand, one of my friends just commented that the way I speak is like wanting to argue. I guess this is one of the weaknesses being an enfj (I notice this behavior in my other enfj friend too, honestly if my friend does not point out I would have never realized it). I don't think this is going to work out considering that I often meet clients. Really need to nail this. But, just FYI, I really do enjoy speaking with the enfj friend of mine, entp works well with me too.

To stay focus

I can't stress how important is it to be able to stay focus. It has been my biggest weakness and till now I have yet to find any remedy for it. I will really pay for the remedy if there is any in the market. It is hindering my performance at work and studies.

Been reading a lot on men's health magazine lately and I love most of the contents posted really.

Will try to practice the step mentioned in the article below.

http://news.menshealth.com/defeat-distraction/2013/04/12/

Stress

Just a lot of issues arise lately, half financial issues, other half work issues.

Financial issues, despite having increment, passive expenses increase 3 folds. Need to drop the idea of getting a house at this moment. Also just spoke to insurance agent to temporarily reduce my insurance coverage, pending to increase back in Jan 2014. Plus, worse thing is that I damaged company laptop, need to compensate in full. 2k gone. Yeah you may think that I did not argue but as per company policy, just can't so much. I argued with the middle management but not helpful because big boss is always right. No point arguing to risk my career.

On the work part, dam a lot of work. I hardly go to gym during weekdays. Good thing is that I feel good learning. Bad thing is that I need to refrained from outings.

Work and financial issues also involved, I am not sure if I have communicated with you guys about 'detrimental' program that each employee will need to be bind with it. It is called staff entertainment pool fund. Whereby, each employee contributes to this fund if they make mistakes in their job, or being rewarded if they have done good job. Since the day I joined, I have never contributed, the only person from the investment team never contributed to this fund. But this month, I am contributing 400 plus into this fund. What a pain.

But the fund goes back to the employees, by the way of spending lunches, trips etc. Current status of the fund is about 22k. Shocked right? Yeah, our middle management contributed hell a lot. But it is accumulated since the establishment of the fund la.

Keyboard Buttons

These are the stickers which I was referring to in my previous post.

Turned from Worst to Fulfulling

Hello all,

Literally, this week is by far the worst week ever so far in 2013. And I am sure the weeks ahead coming towards the end of 2013 will not be as worse as this week.

In summary, I have learned many things the hard way. And I think this time really hits me badly.

The arrangement below following the timeline of the event.

Monday, I accidentally poured my cup of water onto my work laptop, resulting it being malfunctioning. As I poured on it, immediately I shut down the laptop (yes, all keys are still working perfectly fine). I did not turn it on after that. After awhile, I brought it to the gym which I have just recently signed up for because I need hair dryers in attempt to clean the water inside. So I used like 2 hair dryers at the same time to blow the sides of the laptop. I just left the hair dryers on the table blowing the laptop while I am just browsing facebook with my smartphone. Suddenly, something flew out from the laptop and I thought it was a just a sticker, so I did not bother it. Then after awhile more, more "stickers" flying out and I began to worry. Immediately, I turned my attention to my laptop and I realized those "stickers" were actually "keyboard buttons". I was like OmG! The buttons all partially melted by the heat from the hair dryer! I was like, I am in deep shit already. Immediately I brought the heated laptop back to office and placed it under direct air from the air con. After about an hour, it could not start. So my mind was like calculating things which I need to do to replace the laptop for the company.

Tuesday, I picked up my boss from his place when I was on my way to work. During the jam, we were actually doing appraisals for my performance. Of course I knew that I did not do a good job this year and I kept focusing talking about my weaknesses and how I should overcome them. This conversation was more on my input and he is just giving some feedback. And that is totally cool because I know my weaknesses are huge hindrance to my future career. The story up until now for today has got nothing to do with my salary increment, just FYI because I want to talk about the salary increment experience I had.

For the increment topic, it was held another time in the same day because we did not have sufficient time. So he asked me this question: "How much do you want for increment? You can say whatever amount but I may not necessary agree with it." I made a terrible mistake by giving him a "range" of amount where he just wanted "an" amount. I have him a range from X to Y, and he gave me X! This issue made me feel so bad. Because there are a lot of what ifs. If I said X only and he has given me X, I will be totally fine. But he gave me the lowest range which I asked for. And if you think I could go back to him on this issue then you are totally wrong. He is a lawyer, one of the top ones in his time, so he is always very careful when he is conversing with people. So now when I go back to him to ask for more, he will say "You are the one who asked for it and now you are not happy? etc etc" But its okay though, I think the increment is good enough. Plus it is a half yearly appraisal. I learned from this mistake and I will ask for more next time since there is no obligation, and I will only specify an amount only instead of giving a range.

On Wednesday, the most emo time for me because as a result of the appraisals, two of my colleagues got promoted to Senior Analyst. Three of us were in the same rank, and both of them joined the company about the same time as I did (one and two months earlier respectively). This is one of the days where I remained quiet all day and did not want to socialize. I am depressed because of the fact that they got promoted and I did not. Don't get me wrong. Actually I never expect that I will get promoted because I don't think I am qualified at all. And I am not surprised that I am not promoted. But the fact that among the three of us, I am the most incompetent. This challenges my ego a lot. Yes I was sad the day it happened, but after that I feel so much better because I know that I needed to be hit hard in my face so that I can have more motivation to climb harder. My boss made a good decision by not promoting me because I feel that there is a certain standard I could meet before I get promoted, and I love the challenge. All the while I wanted to put more effort into my work but I have not been committing much. I guess this downfall really hits me hard this time and I so want to contribute to learn more about work. Hey, it is about prospect which I can learn because it is going to be helpful in my career next time. I love the learning opportunity given in my job. The next appraisal is just 6 months away and I will definitely aim to get promoted then.

On yeah, on the same day, I managed to turn on my company laptop and it is still functioning as if it did not spoil. The speed to load the operating system is okay. But the only visible damage other than the missing keyboard buttons, the screen has water mark in it. The admin sent it to repair already. So the good news is that I dont need to pay for the full amount to replace the laptop but only the fee incurred to fix the existing problem.

Today, Thursday, I have a lot to do but I have not been able to manage my time properly, and this issue has been outstanding for quite some time. Resulting my sifu at work got pissed of at me. After this two hours conversation with her, it motivates me even more! I will push even harder for myself to meet the career objectives.

This is why I said I managed to turn from worst to good. (the laptop case is just lucky)

I hope to see a new me soon. The only difference is that the new me and the current me is only on the career focusing issue, while the rest remain untouched. Really need to spend more time, especially during the weekends, to gain a deeper understanding on the projects which I am doing.

Friends. I hope to have your support. And I know I always have it. I will fight hard. Life ain't easy, this term finally kicked into my belief system, and yay for that because I am going to work it out!

Perspective

I think it is a huge topic by itself and you could argue from various points. But today I want to focus on perspective of time in a relationship. It is going to a short one.

In the case where the guy falls for the girl, from the guy's perspective, he feels that it has been a long time since they last converse even though they just talked like yesterday. Therefore he will have huge urge to contact her again today because of this unreal "long-waited" kind of feeling. And when they talked, very likely he would feel that it has been awhile since they last conversed.

However, from the girl's perspective in which she does not have much of a positive feelings for the guy, she would feel that they just talked like moments ago. And if the guy contact her again in the next day, it is very likely she would respond "isn't it we just had conversation yesterday?" or "Man he called again and it is going to be hours" kind of thinking.

This situation works in vice versa.

Perspective of time is thus important. Knowing your friends well then you could better manage their expectations. :) human management.

Not a good father's day

Well well, it is not one of the good days which I usually have. My sister, brother and mother did not attend the dinner with the family (Father + grandparents + myself of course) to sort of celebrate father's day. It had been weeks which I did not have proper dinner with my family and it is mostly my fault because I am always out. Two weeks before my exam I stayed at home all day long to study and did not join them for dinner outside; two weeks after my exam (which is about now) I did not join them again because I am always out. 

Normally we have family dinner every Sunday night. I stayed home last Sunday just to chill at home but with that also failed to have dinner together because parents used to have dinner without us the kids. That's unfortunate, me and my brother had dinner together instead, which is also awesome.

On the father's day, I received clear instruction from my mum that our family are going to have dinner with one of my uncles' family. Decided on the time to depart so that I could get home by then. Just when we are going to leave home, parents had argument and caused my mum not joining the dinner, which is sad. This problem has always lies in between my parents. In a way I am kind of used to it but I am still trying to remedy the situation. Most of the time I think it is my father's fault. While he is a great businessman, he is not that great in being a husband. Dont get me wrong. He is great in his way but the love is hardly expressed in a manner which my mum could feel it.

Kind of disappointed with my brother though. He did not join for dinner. Not sure if he is working? Hopefully he does because I am still hoping that he prioritize family events over other events. I have not been a good brother to ask him about that though. Failure is on me.

As for my little sister, she is on national service which is excusable. It has been awhile since the last time I saw her. Miss her a little because my room got a little quiet without her presence (at times she will just come over to my room to disturb me, which I like it because I felt the companionship). Knowing that she is going to be back in a few days is great.

Another funny thing is that I wished one of my girl friends happy father's day, without giving much thought that it really means.

Update as of 16.03.2013

Hello,

I am not in the days where I feel "emo" today. The reason I write today because I finally clear of why I cant get into a relationship now.

First reason: I lack of passion to love someone, right now. It is really odd that I say such a thing but really thats what I have been feeling. I figured this out when me and Carter Ng were having in dept conversation last night for close to 4 hours. I just enjoy having such meaningful conversation with the right people. I had been honest about my past relationships to him and while splitting it I realized that not knowing how to love is my cause of failure. 

After my previous relationship ended, I have not been very passionate for another girl. I dont know why. But my best bet is that I have more important issues to deal with, that is my career and education.

Yeah, I cant multitask well. Carter then mentioned that if I kept using such reason I will experience the same issue in the future because I will not stop working even if I am married. Well... thats why I said I have not learned how to love yet.

Second reason: I have a mind of a perfectionist (but do not have the brain of a perfectionist, dont get me wrong). It is like even there is a very good girl out there now, I wont be able to fully accept this girl as my gf (meaning I wont bother to go after). Because I will think that she is not the perfect girl. I will think that she still has flaws. Trust me, I know this mindset is not right but really I am just being honest with what my mind is thinking. And this even applies to the girl which has much better qualification than me. I just cant control what my mind is thinking. I could defend myself by saying that I just have not met that special person yet. (I hope this person really exists so that she could prove me wrong on this)

This perfectionism of mine does not only cater to the females; it also happen at my workplace which I do not agree with the quality of the work of my colleagues. But of course, thats my problem because they are just performing their duties, but not to perfect it.

To support my arguments above, my friend Johnny shared something which I find really meaningful and applicable to my current situation about LOVE.

Below is the link to that lengthy article:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=509168382468806&set=a.376721469046832.100117.100001269463487&type=1&theater

To summarize them, love happened when someone achieved these four stages: Mind, Heart, Body and Soul.

I am quoting below:

The mind aspect is her intellect. It does not mean academic smart, it is the way she thinks, processes and analyzed things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It’s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument’s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It’s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she’ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that’s incredibly alluring.

The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears.. I think it’s critical for two people to understand each other’s heart and learn to accommodate each other’s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear ‘because I love him and that’s all that matters’. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn’t just a feeling or who you/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other’s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,

The body aspect is about physical attraction, intimacy and presence. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t believe you can just “instantly know” you’re in love or that someone’s THE one just by “first sight”. No offense, but I think the whole love at first sight concept is bullshit that only exists in movies and fairy tales. In reality, it isn’t love. That very first attraction.. is probably lust. Lust at first sight”. Sex is merely a physical act if it’s without emotions and feelings. Sex and making love is different. I think physical intimacy is very important in a relationship but one aspect matters the most… is the physical presence. The physical presence is simply being there. You want him to be with you. You want to be there for him. Because just being there with or for each other makes your day, or you as a person, a little better. You may act or behave a little different when you’re with him, but in a good way – in a way that you actually feel completely comfortable, safe and you. Perhaps even without you knowing, you smile more and laugh harder. You feel real, genuine joy. And even on days when the smile can’t happen, you know you don’t have to pretend to be okay or be self conscious in front of him; because its perfectly okay to be the way you are and feel when you’re with him. He cares about you and you feel loved when you’re with him. Sometimes, there are no need for words or explanations.. just his presence, him being there for you, holding you.. makes you feel better or believe that it’s going to be okay again. Because you’re not just holding on to someone for attention or sympathy.. you actually feel and believe that you’re holding on to a part of or the rest of your life..”

  

It leads to the final aspect – soul. The soul aspect to me, is the deepest form and the final affirmation that should answer any remaining doubt or questions as to whether we’ve truly fallen in love with a person. It’s when you start noticing but still appreciate all the other little things, even the flaws - especially the flaws. It’s when you truly know a person stripped down of all their walls, exposed to their soul and yet still accept and love him or her. It’s a level of understanding and acceptance that goes beyond the “honeymoon everything is perfect” period.

... end of quote.

For full article read them in the link above.

I really like the way he described the 4 words. I feel that it is completed.

Waiting in the rain

There are things which is out of our control really. Our smartness could only save us occasionally but not always.

I'm waiting for the Jockey to remove the car which blocked my car.

Actually what I wanted to say is that my grandma had been diagnosed with cancer. This feeling sucks. In the 25 years in my life I have never experience losing someone so important. She has only a few months of life (in which she didn't know the fact that she has cancer).

I broke down emotionally when I heard this news on a Thursday night (the past Thursday) and I kept thinking how I should treasure my time with her. How else should I do to make her feel happy? 

She is someone who is so kind to take care of other people before herself, and this has been consistent throughout her life. I have never seen someone so selfless. Everyday she has been thinking if we have taken meal etc. She just never gave up asking that. All she wants in her life is to see us being happy. She does not have a goal for herself, you know,  like typical traditional Chinese whereby the female responsibility is to take care of the family only. This pure kindness implanted into her principle in life.

That's her greatest strength, but also greatest weakness too. She does not know how to take care of herself properly. When she is in pain,  she will hide it from other people because she knows that she is going to incur huge expense for going to the hospital. What a joke...... Too bad that she does not have insurance.

How dear is dear? I was always given slightly extra attention from her because she raised me up since I was born, from feeding me to take me home from school. Plus the fact that I am her eldest grandson. This bond is so strong that I am so afraid to lose her.

My mistake. I have not been a very good grandson. I did not cook for her, nor stay home to really sit down and watch drama with her. I am always in my room doing things which deemed to be unnecessary. The most I have done is to have meal with her everyday, which I think it is insufficient. Right now it is even harder for me to spend time with her due to my workload. Mon to Fri I work overtime and I will be home late; Sat and Sun I have classes from 9 am to 5 pm until June 2013. I think I have got to work within this limitation. She might not live until June.

Her wish for me to hope that I can get married before leaving this world. Man this is challenging. I am not that kind of people who will want to get married young (I dont even have a gf now). So I often remind her to live longer so that she can see that day coming.

How would you feel if you see someone like this leaving you soon?

Discipline, discipline, discipline...

After so long,  I never thought that lack in discipline could be one of my major weaknesses. Seriously I need to work it out.

Reason for saying such: I have been allocated some amount of work during the weekends (it is actually every weekend). But I have not been working it out properly; I always been procrastinating them. With the coming months of work and study routine,  I wouldn't be able to cope. Then it will lead to the downfall in my life. Consequence of not being discpline would then strike me down.

Time to be organized!