Keyboard Buttons

These are the stickers which I was referring to in my previous post.

Turned from Worst to Fulfulling

Hello all,

Literally, this week is by far the worst week ever so far in 2013. And I am sure the weeks ahead coming towards the end of 2013 will not be as worse as this week.

In summary, I have learned many things the hard way. And I think this time really hits me badly.

The arrangement below following the timeline of the event.

Monday, I accidentally poured my cup of water onto my work laptop, resulting it being malfunctioning. As I poured on it, immediately I shut down the laptop (yes, all keys are still working perfectly fine). I did not turn it on after that. After awhile, I brought it to the gym which I have just recently signed up for because I need hair dryers in attempt to clean the water inside. So I used like 2 hair dryers at the same time to blow the sides of the laptop. I just left the hair dryers on the table blowing the laptop while I am just browsing facebook with my smartphone. Suddenly, something flew out from the laptop and I thought it was a just a sticker, so I did not bother it. Then after awhile more, more "stickers" flying out and I began to worry. Immediately, I turned my attention to my laptop and I realized those "stickers" were actually "keyboard buttons". I was like OmG! The buttons all partially melted by the heat from the hair dryer! I was like, I am in deep shit already. Immediately I brought the heated laptop back to office and placed it under direct air from the air con. After about an hour, it could not start. So my mind was like calculating things which I need to do to replace the laptop for the company.

Tuesday, I picked up my boss from his place when I was on my way to work. During the jam, we were actually doing appraisals for my performance. Of course I knew that I did not do a good job this year and I kept focusing talking about my weaknesses and how I should overcome them. This conversation was more on my input and he is just giving some feedback. And that is totally cool because I know my weaknesses are huge hindrance to my future career. The story up until now for today has got nothing to do with my salary increment, just FYI because I want to talk about the salary increment experience I had.

For the increment topic, it was held another time in the same day because we did not have sufficient time. So he asked me this question: "How much do you want for increment? You can say whatever amount but I may not necessary agree with it." I made a terrible mistake by giving him a "range" of amount where he just wanted "an" amount. I have him a range from X to Y, and he gave me X! This issue made me feel so bad. Because there are a lot of what ifs. If I said X only and he has given me X, I will be totally fine. But he gave me the lowest range which I asked for. And if you think I could go back to him on this issue then you are totally wrong. He is a lawyer, one of the top ones in his time, so he is always very careful when he is conversing with people. So now when I go back to him to ask for more, he will say "You are the one who asked for it and now you are not happy? etc etc" But its okay though, I think the increment is good enough. Plus it is a half yearly appraisal. I learned from this mistake and I will ask for more next time since there is no obligation, and I will only specify an amount only instead of giving a range.

On Wednesday, the most emo time for me because as a result of the appraisals, two of my colleagues got promoted to Senior Analyst. Three of us were in the same rank, and both of them joined the company about the same time as I did (one and two months earlier respectively). This is one of the days where I remained quiet all day and did not want to socialize. I am depressed because of the fact that they got promoted and I did not. Don't get me wrong. Actually I never expect that I will get promoted because I don't think I am qualified at all. And I am not surprised that I am not promoted. But the fact that among the three of us, I am the most incompetent. This challenges my ego a lot. Yes I was sad the day it happened, but after that I feel so much better because I know that I needed to be hit hard in my face so that I can have more motivation to climb harder. My boss made a good decision by not promoting me because I feel that there is a certain standard I could meet before I get promoted, and I love the challenge. All the while I wanted to put more effort into my work but I have not been committing much. I guess this downfall really hits me hard this time and I so want to contribute to learn more about work. Hey, it is about prospect which I can learn because it is going to be helpful in my career next time. I love the learning opportunity given in my job. The next appraisal is just 6 months away and I will definitely aim to get promoted then.

On yeah, on the same day, I managed to turn on my company laptop and it is still functioning as if it did not spoil. The speed to load the operating system is okay. But the only visible damage other than the missing keyboard buttons, the screen has water mark in it. The admin sent it to repair already. So the good news is that I dont need to pay for the full amount to replace the laptop but only the fee incurred to fix the existing problem.

Today, Thursday, I have a lot to do but I have not been able to manage my time properly, and this issue has been outstanding for quite some time. Resulting my sifu at work got pissed of at me. After this two hours conversation with her, it motivates me even more! I will push even harder for myself to meet the career objectives.

This is why I said I managed to turn from worst to good. (the laptop case is just lucky)

I hope to see a new me soon. The only difference is that the new me and the current me is only on the career focusing issue, while the rest remain untouched. Really need to spend more time, especially during the weekends, to gain a deeper understanding on the projects which I am doing.

Friends. I hope to have your support. And I know I always have it. I will fight hard. Life ain't easy, this term finally kicked into my belief system, and yay for that because I am going to work it out!

Perspective

I think it is a huge topic by itself and you could argue from various points. But today I want to focus on perspective of time in a relationship. It is going to a short one.

In the case where the guy falls for the girl, from the guy's perspective, he feels that it has been a long time since they last converse even though they just talked like yesterday. Therefore he will have huge urge to contact her again today because of this unreal "long-waited" kind of feeling. And when they talked, very likely he would feel that it has been awhile since they last conversed.

However, from the girl's perspective in which she does not have much of a positive feelings for the guy, she would feel that they just talked like moments ago. And if the guy contact her again in the next day, it is very likely she would respond "isn't it we just had conversation yesterday?" or "Man he called again and it is going to be hours" kind of thinking.

This situation works in vice versa.

Perspective of time is thus important. Knowing your friends well then you could better manage their expectations. :) human management.

Not a good father's day

Well well, it is not one of the good days which I usually have. My sister, brother and mother did not attend the dinner with the family (Father + grandparents + myself of course) to sort of celebrate father's day. It had been weeks which I did not have proper dinner with my family and it is mostly my fault because I am always out. Two weeks before my exam I stayed at home all day long to study and did not join them for dinner outside; two weeks after my exam (which is about now) I did not join them again because I am always out. 

Normally we have family dinner every Sunday night. I stayed home last Sunday just to chill at home but with that also failed to have dinner together because parents used to have dinner without us the kids. That's unfortunate, me and my brother had dinner together instead, which is also awesome.

On the father's day, I received clear instruction from my mum that our family are going to have dinner with one of my uncles' family. Decided on the time to depart so that I could get home by then. Just when we are going to leave home, parents had argument and caused my mum not joining the dinner, which is sad. This problem has always lies in between my parents. In a way I am kind of used to it but I am still trying to remedy the situation. Most of the time I think it is my father's fault. While he is a great businessman, he is not that great in being a husband. Dont get me wrong. He is great in his way but the love is hardly expressed in a manner which my mum could feel it.

Kind of disappointed with my brother though. He did not join for dinner. Not sure if he is working? Hopefully he does because I am still hoping that he prioritize family events over other events. I have not been a good brother to ask him about that though. Failure is on me.

As for my little sister, she is on national service which is excusable. It has been awhile since the last time I saw her. Miss her a little because my room got a little quiet without her presence (at times she will just come over to my room to disturb me, which I like it because I felt the companionship). Knowing that she is going to be back in a few days is great.

Another funny thing is that I wished one of my girl friends happy father's day, without giving much thought that it really means.

Update as of 16.03.2013

Hello,

I am not in the days where I feel "emo" today. The reason I write today because I finally clear of why I cant get into a relationship now.

First reason: I lack of passion to love someone, right now. It is really odd that I say such a thing but really thats what I have been feeling. I figured this out when me and Carter Ng were having in dept conversation last night for close to 4 hours. I just enjoy having such meaningful conversation with the right people. I had been honest about my past relationships to him and while splitting it I realized that not knowing how to love is my cause of failure. 

After my previous relationship ended, I have not been very passionate for another girl. I dont know why. But my best bet is that I have more important issues to deal with, that is my career and education.

Yeah, I cant multitask well. Carter then mentioned that if I kept using such reason I will experience the same issue in the future because I will not stop working even if I am married. Well... thats why I said I have not learned how to love yet.

Second reason: I have a mind of a perfectionist (but do not have the brain of a perfectionist, dont get me wrong). It is like even there is a very good girl out there now, I wont be able to fully accept this girl as my gf (meaning I wont bother to go after). Because I will think that she is not the perfect girl. I will think that she still has flaws. Trust me, I know this mindset is not right but really I am just being honest with what my mind is thinking. And this even applies to the girl which has much better qualification than me. I just cant control what my mind is thinking. I could defend myself by saying that I just have not met that special person yet. (I hope this person really exists so that she could prove me wrong on this)

This perfectionism of mine does not only cater to the females; it also happen at my workplace which I do not agree with the quality of the work of my colleagues. But of course, thats my problem because they are just performing their duties, but not to perfect it.

To support my arguments above, my friend Johnny shared something which I find really meaningful and applicable to my current situation about LOVE.

Below is the link to that lengthy article:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=509168382468806&set=a.376721469046832.100117.100001269463487&type=1&theater

To summarize them, love happened when someone achieved these four stages: Mind, Heart, Body and Soul.

I am quoting below:

The mind aspect is her intellect. It does not mean academic smart, it is the way she thinks, processes and analyzed things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It’s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument’s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It’s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she’ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that’s incredibly alluring.

The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears.. I think it’s critical for two people to understand each other’s heart and learn to accommodate each other’s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear ‘because I love him and that’s all that matters’. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn’t just a feeling or who you/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other’s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,

The body aspect is about physical attraction, intimacy and presence. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t believe you can just “instantly know” you’re in love or that someone’s THE one just by “first sight”. No offense, but I think the whole love at first sight concept is bullshit that only exists in movies and fairy tales. In reality, it isn’t love. That very first attraction.. is probably lust. Lust at first sight”. Sex is merely a physical act if it’s without emotions and feelings. Sex and making love is different. I think physical intimacy is very important in a relationship but one aspect matters the most… is the physical presence. The physical presence is simply being there. You want him to be with you. You want to be there for him. Because just being there with or for each other makes your day, or you as a person, a little better. You may act or behave a little different when you’re with him, but in a good way – in a way that you actually feel completely comfortable, safe and you. Perhaps even without you knowing, you smile more and laugh harder. You feel real, genuine joy. And even on days when the smile can’t happen, you know you don’t have to pretend to be okay or be self conscious in front of him; because its perfectly okay to be the way you are and feel when you’re with him. He cares about you and you feel loved when you’re with him. Sometimes, there are no need for words or explanations.. just his presence, him being there for you, holding you.. makes you feel better or believe that it’s going to be okay again. Because you’re not just holding on to someone for attention or sympathy.. you actually feel and believe that you’re holding on to a part of or the rest of your life..”

  

It leads to the final aspect – soul. The soul aspect to me, is the deepest form and the final affirmation that should answer any remaining doubt or questions as to whether we’ve truly fallen in love with a person. It’s when you start noticing but still appreciate all the other little things, even the flaws - especially the flaws. It’s when you truly know a person stripped down of all their walls, exposed to their soul and yet still accept and love him or her. It’s a level of understanding and acceptance that goes beyond the “honeymoon everything is perfect” period.

... end of quote.

For full article read them in the link above.

I really like the way he described the 4 words. I feel that it is completed.

Waiting in the rain

There are things which is out of our control really. Our smartness could only save us occasionally but not always.

I'm waiting for the Jockey to remove the car which blocked my car.

Actually what I wanted to say is that my grandma had been diagnosed with cancer. This feeling sucks. In the 25 years in my life I have never experience losing someone so important. She has only a few months of life (in which she didn't know the fact that she has cancer).

I broke down emotionally when I heard this news on a Thursday night (the past Thursday) and I kept thinking how I should treasure my time with her. How else should I do to make her feel happy? 

She is someone who is so kind to take care of other people before herself, and this has been consistent throughout her life. I have never seen someone so selfless. Everyday she has been thinking if we have taken meal etc. She just never gave up asking that. All she wants in her life is to see us being happy. She does not have a goal for herself, you know,  like typical traditional Chinese whereby the female responsibility is to take care of the family only. This pure kindness implanted into her principle in life.

That's her greatest strength, but also greatest weakness too. She does not know how to take care of herself properly. When she is in pain,  she will hide it from other people because she knows that she is going to incur huge expense for going to the hospital. What a joke...... Too bad that she does not have insurance.

How dear is dear? I was always given slightly extra attention from her because she raised me up since I was born, from feeding me to take me home from school. Plus the fact that I am her eldest grandson. This bond is so strong that I am so afraid to lose her.

My mistake. I have not been a very good grandson. I did not cook for her, nor stay home to really sit down and watch drama with her. I am always in my room doing things which deemed to be unnecessary. The most I have done is to have meal with her everyday, which I think it is insufficient. Right now it is even harder for me to spend time with her due to my workload. Mon to Fri I work overtime and I will be home late; Sat and Sun I have classes from 9 am to 5 pm until June 2013. I think I have got to work within this limitation. She might not live until June.

Her wish for me to hope that I can get married before leaving this world. Man this is challenging. I am not that kind of people who will want to get married young (I dont even have a gf now). So I often remind her to live longer so that she can see that day coming.

How would you feel if you see someone like this leaving you soon?

Discipline, discipline, discipline...

After so long,  I never thought that lack in discipline could be one of my major weaknesses. Seriously I need to work it out.

Reason for saying such: I have been allocated some amount of work during the weekends (it is actually every weekend). But I have not been working it out properly; I always been procrastinating them. With the coming months of work and study routine,  I wouldn't be able to cope. Then it will lead to the downfall in my life. Consequence of not being discpline would then strike me down.

Time to be organized!

Hello?

This is my first time writing a post with my smart phone. I would not have done it if I'm not using Samsung galaxy note 2 Thanks to its huge screen.

At this point,  the update on my career job is that I have already resigned (finally) as a fund accountant. It's not that I resign without getting myself a job. I got an offer for being an analyst for a venture capital firm. That's a hoo ray for me I finally get a step closer to my dream job. Hopefully I can get valuable experience with this company.
It is also nice to know that I would work in s normal shift hours again. It really Sucks to work in a night shift. I used to think that working at night is gonna be cool but after having to experience it,  it changed my mind completely. First reason is that you will have a shorter weekend. By the time when you are awake,  half of the Saturday had already gone. You might think that you could get up earlier on Saturday,  but it is not going to be productive because you are going to be so exhausted. You would not have the mood to do anything. Second,  I'm playing badminton every Sunday at 11 am. It simply feels so hard to get up that 'early'. And it Sucks so bad because you won't have the energy to play well. Oh well...

As for love life,  I thought I found myself a partner for life already. But in fact,  I'm don't really feel ready to go into a relationship yet. Dunno is it because I don't love her enough or simply because I lost the motivation to date. Maybe it is not the age yet for me. There's just so much to be done like achieving career goals and studying at the same time. So I guess there should be no hurry to getting into a relationship now. Oh,  most importantly,  I don't feel that I'm matured enough yet, for many reasons.

There are people out there who easily mistakenly taking best friend as girl friend. It is like they are converting the comfortable feeling for being together into love which I don't agree. Then this short term feeling well be gone and converted into commitment. You guessed it, this commitment would not last when it turned into control due to lack of proper communication. I believe I don't not have a good credibility to say this but this is what I have observed in my friends relationships. I simply don't see the passionate relationship in them. My perception of relationships is more like westerners, less like traditional Chinese type.

I always give my gf more freedom. Freedom in the sense that I don't mind if she wants to hang out with other guy friend, as an example. I would opt for an equal life, for instance we have our time together but we also have our spare time do to whatever we want respectively. I will respect her as much as or more than she would respect me. In the traditional Chinese relationship,  I often see that the male is more dominant in the relationship.

Okay. Time to go. Just hope that it is not as confusing to read my post.

RIP Browny

Today marks the death of my family first dog ever, Browny (breed Chow Chow). I have my deepest regret over his death because I have only spent little time with him when he is still around. He has been single till his last breath and he never had any other companions to mingle with. I hope he will get as many companions he could ever dream off in his latter life.

It was a total shock that when I checked my face book and saw the post of my brother about our dog. I almost could not accept the fact. I called my grandma to ask if it just fainted or things like that, you know, like in denial. Just before I went to work today, it was still in his normal behavior; not even a single sign that he is going to leave us anytime soon (at least I didn’t feel anything strange). My grandma said before he collapsed, he kept walking around the compound of my house. He dropped his body on the floor, finding himself with no energy to continue walking, but he tried and tried, he forced himself to stand up again and continue his solitude journey. I guess he was waiting for something?

When my grandpa reached home from his work, went ahead for Browny. As it saw my grandpa, it collapsed and passed away. It is like it felt relief as he saw him, knowing that he will take him to the vet cure his sickness as usual. That’s the end of his life. I hope he truly felt great as the family still cares for him, seeing the rescue on his very last breathe.

My only regret is that I did not accompany him much. The only time I spend with him was right before I head to somewhere (work, hang out etc) and after I got back home. Everyday when I got home, he will be the first to welcome me as I work night shift as “security guard” when my family has already gone to bed. Every time when he sees me, he will definitely welcome with the shakes of its tail. He never failed doing that. Thinking about these clearly makes me miss him a lot. (FYI, I have yet to see his dead body as I am still at work at this time as I was writing this).

Actually his nearing death is expected as he is already very old. I think he joined our family when I was like 13 or 14? It has been 10 to 11 years of him in my life (wow, I did not even realize it). But I never knew the impact could make me blog it out. I guess I am not good at farewells.

I will not ever have any dog pets in my life. It will only make me feel regret at its death as I always will not have time for it.

I hope you have a good after life, Browny.

17th April 2012

Today marks the day of my single’s life anniversary. Yes, it is exactly 366 days I broke off with my ex. Why do I remember this date as if it sounded like she is still in my mind? Well, I remember this date because it was a PC fair day and coincidently there was PC fair going on last weekend (yesterday). My mind has completely lost her. Speaking of her, I hope that she is doing well with her new boyfriend in the United States. She is a very loving individual.

Let’s head back to the topic. Do I enjoy the life as single? Some part of it yes, some no. The yes is of course these 366 days is my freest life ever. Free from responsibilities for the other half etc. It is not to say that I am afraid of commitment, it is really because I have never felt so free in my life as I seldom stay on being single (now don’t you come and tease me by asking “wow, you have started dating since you were born?). The dark side of staying single, is of course, for such an extraverted person like me had to do things without any companion, which is kind of hard sometimes.

But the truth is, I am not sure if it is bad or good, I am already getting used to it. I have done things which I would not have done if I was myself a year back. I went to IKEA to shop alone, malls to walk alone, even weekend lunch I would do it alone.  It is really not because I could not find any companion, it is just that I feel like doing it alone sometimes. This change of me is really unforeseeable, which I think it may be good and it may be bad. The good is perhaps I am learning to be more independent? It sounded funny because I am trying to convince myself that all these are GOOD stuff.

After all these years I have showed interests in understanding human behavior. This was my hidden passion where I was not really aware of. The exposure of MBTI personality provided me insights on this issue and by far it is the most practical theory that I have never known of. I bought books from the US and have one of my cool friends to ship to back for me. And so, this is what I had been doing when I am free. To be honest, I have never be fond of books; I don’t read and I cant read for a long period of time. Surprisingly, this book is the first book that I would think that “oh no, it is coming to an end soon!”. I guess my intuitive feeling part is really strong, i.e. wanting to understand the depth of human behavior. Now I am learning to judge other people’s MBTI. Its fulfilling if I am able to judge them accurately because it gives me a sense of getting closer in understanding all sorts of human behaviors and the next step would be learning to how to approach them.