There would be certain hold backs in goal settings for any person. Trying to identify them has always been my priority. But to counter them? It has always been my failure simply because I am not a robot.
For one of the hold backs, I chose to talk about hold back in a relationship. I used to think that being in a relationship will only destroy/delay my goal. It comes with my real life experience. Like for instance when I was studying for my first CFA exam a year ago, my mind was totally haunted by the fear for not getting the study done. As a result, my girl frind (currently ex) felt neglected. Of course I too, felt that she was being neglected, and so I tried to do something that balance between my study and for her once in a while. But balancing makes me failed to get the best of both worlds. She didn’t feel that is enough and I was nowhere in my studies. Ended up I felt the stress too (as I am a perfectionist trying to get everything done perfectly). This is just me, not knowing how to properly handle these issues at the same time. I am a total failure in managing my psychological fear for exams.
You could probably tell where it leads to next. We broke up. I had decided to let her enjoy her freedom (we find incompatible with each other) just so that I could focus and concentrate on my career. I thought I could be better off being single by having the freedom to do whatever I want to do and whenever or however I want it to be without having to care for my partner. I used to think that I enjoy freedom and dislike to feeling that I actually have to go out for a date with my partner at the time when I think I will be more productive in studying. Well honestly, I felt great being single in a first few months after the break up as we are still hanging out together with our common friends, but not after that.
Right now, I am still studying for the exam as well as working. I feel total loneliness. And it does not go away anytime when I do not have anything to cling on. This loneliness too sometimes demotivate me in doing my work (be it studying, working, etc); I feel that no one is there for me to look forward to talk to and I belong to nobody. Probably it is just me, who desires attentions from my peers. But none of them lasts; none of them truly belongs to me. I feel lack of appreciation, lack of attention, and so lack of motivation. Only if I could counter this loneliness without having to be in a relationship, I will be good to go! I could further elaborate on this point but I don’t feel the need to as we already know where it is heading.
I am not sure why I had always been in a relationship and it has been like that since high school! This is probably the reason I am not used to being single. I have seen many friends who are able to do it too. Like some friends of my age have never been in a relationship in their life. So I want to break the curse until I truly found a girl whom I think will add bonus in my career life or else I would remain being single. My primary is still my career goal.
So to me, being into a relationship does not necessarily delay my career goal. The only trick is that I need to find the right one so that we could perform symbiosis. Humans are created to be in pair and they should be better off in pairs; I truly believe that’s the only way to counter my loneliness. Meanwhile, I will also find some alternative to make myself busy to counter the feeling of being lonely as this lonely feeling is disastrous to my self-development.
I hope by writing it out, I am able to feel motivated again; motivated to think that someone out there is actually read my post and support my idea. That is an idealistic thinking from me, at least.
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